Contradiction
by crazy-dreams
Summary: “Lorelai felt like she was living life in black and white, in stark contrast to her once colourful existence.” If Luke and Lorelai got together it would last forever, right?


Title: Contradiction 

Author: crazy-dreams

Disclaimer: Characters are borrowed, feelings are mine.

'A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.'

- Charles Dickens, _A Tale of Two Cities._

Contradiction 

She couldn't remember exactly _how_ they got together. She remembered the night though. 

It was unseasonably warm for fall in Connecticut and Lorelai couldn't sleep, a problem she had a lot in those days. She knew people worried about her – they could all see how she had changed after Rory left for college, how she'd lost some of her spark. Going home to an empty house night after night would do that to a person. 

That particular night however, instead of lying on the couch in front of mind-numbing infomercials, she was driving through the centre of town and noticed his light on. Apparently she wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping. So she asked him to come with her, knowing before the words left her lips that the answer would be yes. That was just the way it was with them. 

He was more relaxed at night; he didn't even ask where they were going. And when she pulled into a 24 hour DIY carwash in Hartford he didn't complain that she'd gotten him out at 1 a.m. to wash her car.

Half an hour later they'd run out of coins for the machine. They were both soaking wet, laughing, and the car was still dirty. For a little while, it was like old times. 

_Old times_

It wasn't that their friendship had really changed. She would still come into the diner most days. They'd have their coffee flirt sessions, and chat at various town functions. They were friends. But she thought back to a time when everyone had been insisting he was in love with her. It felt like years ago. It _was _years ago. She didn't get that same _vibe_ from him anymore. There was still chemistry between them but, like everything else in her life lately, it felt dulled down. It was as though he was moving on. Not physically, with someone else, but _something_ was changing between them.

After leaving the car wash, she drove them to a nearby cemetery, explaining that she'd always loved walking there. He accused her of being morbid, teasingly, of course. But she responded earnestly. Cemeteries always seemed to be built on the most scenic parts of the town and she loved their serenity. If he found this ironic, he said nothing; and they walked slowly among the graves, discussing life and death and everything in between. 

Back at the car, they kissed, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. _The inevitable._ And she witnessed the return of his adulation of her. 

It had been expected for so long. By everyone, including them. But anticipation couldn't last forever and she could feel whatever they had together slipping away. So that night she grabbed it and clung on with both hands, desperately pulling them back from the brink of slow collapse and catapulting them into something new.

She fought to hold onto him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and clutching the back of his shirt. She tried to wrap a leg around his waist, or, that being too ambitious she would have settled for the hips. But he was tall and she had never been a gymnast. So she hooked her leg around his and let it slide back down to the ground. 

_Close enough    _

He was big and warm and comforting and, lying in his arms after a heady make-out session, she finally felt like sleeping. So he drove her home, one hand entwined with hers the entire way.

And for a while, things were good. 

They never discussed that status of their relationship though; never talked about where they were or where they might be going. They never really discussed their feelings at all, they had both just assumed. Assumed that things would work out; that they were heading in the right direction. In the same direction. 

Maybe that was where they went wrong. They weren't even on the same map.

She thought she knew him. That years of eating his food, drinking his coffee and plying him with her problems meant _she_ knew everything about _him_. Good ol' Luke, always there for her. That was a given. She thought he was simple to figure out. But she was the transparent one. And he remained a mystery, almost as though he wouldn't _let_ himself open up to her entirely. 

So she didn't have a clue what he wanted from her. And it frustrated her, and she felt guilty, then almost resentful. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

_"Talk to me."_

_"What do you want me to say?"_

Six months later they were broken up. She couldn't recall a solid reason for that either.__

It was probably one of their stupid arguments. There had been too many of them. She knew she wasn't the easiest person to live with, not that they'd gotten to the living together stage. But she had always assumed it would be different with him. That because he'd known her for so long, he'd just love her for who she was and nothing else would matter, because that was all they'd need. 

_Not enough   _

The sun was setting in the distance as Lorelai walked down the main street of Stars Hollow. Their friendship had been better, she reflected. In the way that the movie is never quite as good as the trailer. 

Never before had Lorelai wanted to go back in time. Even when she'd left home with a tiny baby, no money and no plans; she hadn't ever wished she were back at her parent's house preparing for the prom. Ever since falling pregnant at sixteen she'd adopted a 'no regrets' policy toward life.

Until now. 

Lorelai felt like she was living life in black and white, in stark contrast to her once colourful existence. She had never thought she'd need anyone. But she needed Rory. More than she'd ever realised or could have thought possible; her daughter was a part of her. And now she was away at college, it was almost like someone had chopped off an arm, or, more appropriately a piece of her heart. 

_"You promised things wouldn't change when you went to college, that you'd always be there for me."_

_"I am, just not right now. Look mom, I'm sorry, but it's not my fault you broke up with Luke. You can't keep calling every day and expecting me to be able to talk for hours. I have a life, and it's busy. You need to get one of your own." _

And Luke. She needed Luke. Not in the same way as Rory, of course, but over the years Luke had become an integral part of her life. She wanted it all back. 

She wanted savour each aroma as she walked through the door of Luke's, and she wanted to meet Rory inside and hear about her day. She wanted to listen to Luke bitch about the latest town event and insult her eating habits as she begged him for coffee. 

She wanted the house to resonate with laughter; and coffee to taste good again; and walking down the snow-covered street to feel magical once more. 

But there was nothing left to look forward to. At Rory's graduation, whatever sadness may have lingered about the closure of this chapter in her daughter's life had been dulled by excitement about their trip to Europe. The opening of the Dragonfly Inn had dissipated the gloom surrounding Rory's departure for Yale. Now all that lay ahead was a vast expanse of nothingness. 

And a traffic light pole. 

Lorelai had been staring at the tips of her sneakers as she shuffled down the street and looked up just in time to avoid ramming into it.

Lost in thought, she had failed to notice him approaching from the opposite direction. They reached out to push the button at the exact same time, but Luke jerked his hand away just before they met.

Lorelai glanced up momentarily as she pushed the button. Luke moved a little further away and stood staring stonily across the street.

Lorelai tapped her foot impatiently. Was this the longest traffic light in the world or what? And where were all the other pedestrians? The street was oddly deserted. Of course, this wasn't the first time they'd seen each other since the break up, but this time there was no easy avoidance. Luke couldn't turn abruptly into a different aisle in the market; Lorelai couldn't pretend there was something desperately interesting on Miss Patty's notice board. This time there was nothing but them.

Lorelai looked around for a distraction. It was killing her having him so close, yet so far away. She felt like yelling at him for not speaking to her; and apologising for whatever fight had led to their separation. She felt like slapping some sense into him; and hugging him tight. She wanted to tell him that she loved him for the way he used to make her feel and hated him for what they had become.

She didn't realise just how much had been taken for granted in their friendship. It had always been there, silently, in the background. Unspoken, but articulation hadn't seemed necessary. Now Lorelai wished she'd said it. Wished he would. 

_I love you_

She had never had a problem with words. Maybe she should say something now. 

_Hi Luke_

But if her mouth opened the words would never come out right. It was too late anyway. Too late in this meeting for hellos; too late in their fight for apologies; and too late in their friendship for I love yous.

Why did they both have to be so damn stubborn?

_Blame_

_He _was the one who ran away, now there was irony for you. But maybe she had pushed him.

_I miss you_

Now she just felt sad. God, she missed him. She missed his scent, his arms, his voice, his coffee. But mostly she missed his friendship. 

Should she do they philosophical thing? Some things weren't meant to last forever. _But some things were._

He had been her rock. Now she was drowning, and that rock was no longer her safe-hold, it was dragging her under. And all she had to hold on to were memories. Memories of the good times in their months together; memories from their years of friendship.

She would always have those memories and the knowledge, or hope, that he loved her once too. 

_Let go_  

The light finally turned green. Luke and Lorelai crossed the road together, then turned and walked in opposite directions.

_end_


End file.
